Brew of the Week:

What do coffee, soda, and energy drinks all have in common? Caffeine! What else? None of these beverages used to be part of my diet before optometry school, and I’ve become increasingly dependent on them since first year (you’re only hurting yourself if you try to stay awake through lecture without a brimming Cup o’ Jo in hand). The result: everyone here’s all hopped up on coffee, and our teeth hate us now. But, some students aren’t just going to take it lying down – one girl I know drinks her coffee with a straw so she doesn’t stain her teeth, and I’ve been toying with the idea of carrying mouthwash with me wherever I go. I’ve even seen a few people do what I like to call the “one-two punch” to battle the dehydration: coffee in one hand and water bottle in the other. Sip, sip, boom, boom – problem neutralized. Now if only there was a way to battle the frequent bathroom breaks, GI motility, and self-induced prehypertension*…

Back to teeth (because that’s way more important than gastrointestinal or cardiovascular health): It’s such a shame to see that the fluoride rinses I did back in elementary school were all in vain. Every six months or so I have to go in to get my teeth cleaned while my hygienist gently weeps in mourning over my utter neglect of flawless oral hygiene secondary to coffee consumption… but at least my vision’s great! I bet hers is terrible.

In closing, I would like to make an appeal to the NECO administration: you’re killing our teeth here and we all have coffee breath. I am pleading that you have all students do mandatory fluoride rinses once a week before class. Nothing beats that great mix of bubblegum-mixed-in-with-bleach flavor while promoting dental hygiene. Just make sure little Johnny up front doesn’t swallow it when the swishing is over. In addition, since reducing coffee intake is out of the question, we will need “emergency” breaks from class at least once every fifteen minutes. Thank you, and good day.

*note: there is no definitive evidence linking coffee intake to increased blood pressure (it might even lower it slightly) or dehydration, though it is postulated here that increasing water intake while drinking coffee (potentially a mild diuretic in high amounts) may increase blood volume and lead to an increase in blood pressure. Don’t believe everything you read on the internets, kids.

Currently listening to: “Feel it All Around” by Washed Out

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